Good Minions Are So Hard To Find These Days
by cumberland river relic
Summary: Good minions are so hard to find these days. Just ask Red John.


*******Author's notes*******

Thank you to the great writer Sue Shay for her beta-reading, insight, and encouragement on this story and my other projects! I strongly recommend all of Sue's stories including her current multi-chapter Lisbon-and-Jane project, "Ready or Not."

I do not own the TV show _The Mentalist_ and get no compensation from it. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only.

*******Good Minions Are So Hard To Find These Days*******

"Good morning! Are you Mr…?"

"Joe, please call me Joe."

"Very well then, Joe."

"So you're Red John?"

"Yes."

"Well, Mr. John, I'm…"

"You don't have to say Mr. John, just call me RJ."

"Thank you. Very well, RJ. Your minion Stan wanted…"

"Please don't call him Stan. When a new minion joins the group, I give him or her the code name of a letter of the alphabet. In the case of Stan, I call him Mr. H."

"As you wish, RJ. Mr. H asked me to represent him to you."

"So you're an attorney?"

"I am but due to the circumstances of the relationship between you and him, Mr. H asked me to avoid any legal action."

"Nice of him to do so. Am I to understand that Mr. H has a problem with me, Joe?"

"Problems - plural. He gave me a list of three grievances."

"I had suspected as much. Mr. H always objects to why we do things a certain way. If it's not the location of the murder, it's the position of the body. If it's not the position of the body, it's the circumference of the smiley face. There's always a complaint. Mr. H doesn't understand who's the boss and who's the minion."

"Which gets into the first grievance, RJ. Mr. H said that he labored in a hostile work environment."

"I've got news for Mr. H. It _**is**_ a hostile work environment. That's the nature of serial killing. He should have known that when he signed on."

"Mr. H said he understood the stressful nature of the work but that…let me read from my notes: 'You as the leader need to take a more proactive approach to create a mutually supportive work environment. A good leader offers encouragement as well as correction, and in that regard you have room for improvement.'"

"Mr. H said that?"

"He did."

"I'm surprised he could string together that many polysyllabic buzzwords in one sentence."

"He did."

"Joe, let me make it clear - the work environment will not change. I feel that as the leader I have bent over backwards to accommodate the minions, particularly Mr. H. You have to be tough, cunning, and sharp to be a minion in today's conflict-ridden world of crime."

"Understood. Now I'd like to move on to Mr. H's second grievance, RJ."

"Go ahead, Joe."

"Mr. H demanded a profit-sharing plan, and he said he wasn't alone. According to him, some of the other minions have spoken with him about this."

"What? You tell Mr. H and any other disgruntled minions who pop off about 'profit-sharing' that the serial killing business is a not-for-profit venture. Therefore by definition there are no profits to share."

"RJ, I tried to explain that to Mr. H myself, but he cited the personal investment he has made to become your minion. Wardrobe, dry cleaning, Tyvek coveralls - things like that. He felt it was the least you could do to compensate him and the other minions for the invaluable services they have provided you over the years."

"He did, did he? I'll bet Mr. H didn't say anything about the generous expense reimbursement he has enjoyed. The four-star hotels, the business class upgrade on all in-state flights, the _per diem_ for any overnight travel. And he likely didn't mention the mileage increase of five-cents-per-mile that I instituted last month, did he?"

"Point made, RJ. Mr. H's last grievance was very specific. It concerned your standard-issue poison pill."

"Poison pill?"

"Yes, the one that you hand out to all your minions in case they're arrested."

"What's the problem?"

"It's a health concern, RJ."

"Health concern?"

"Yes. Mr. H said he researched the origin of the poison pills and found they were produced in a factory rife with allergens. Peanut oil to be specific."

"Let me guess - Mr. H is allergic to peanuts."

"He said he was and that you should seek new poison pills made in an allergen-free setting."

"Joe, Mr. H does understand that death occurs thirty seconds after swallowing the pill, doesn't he?"

"Mr. H said it was a quality of life issue."

"But he's dead in thirty seconds!"

"Yes but it's the first twenty-nine seconds he was concerned with, RJ."

"Of all the idiotic, immature…"

"If I may interrupt, RJ, I'd like to share something with you."

"Go ahead, Joe."

"I took the liberty of doing a little research myself and found an alternative poison pill source, one that is allergen-free."

"You did?"

"Yes, and I brought a sample to Mr. H."

"You did?"

"He was so excited with my discovery that he took it to see if indeed they were allergen-free."

"He did what?"

"Yes, you heard me, he took one."

"And?"

"And for the first twenty-nine seconds he had no adverse reactions at all."

"And the thirtieth second?"

"He died with a smile on his face."

"Well, this is most unexpected-and welcome-news, Joe."

"So, RJ,…did I pass my job interview?"

"Indeed you did, _**new Mr. H**__!_"

*******Author's notes*******

Thank you for reading the story, and I look forward to hearing from you.


End file.
